Saturday, April 30, 2011

An Oldie From The Past

This is an old blog I wrote, when everyone used to use MySpace. (Remember that? It was only like 2 years ago!) The hubs and I survived, but barely. There was counseling, talking, and alot of rebuilding. I'm glad I did give him a second chance, even though at the time I really wanted to bury him in the backyard. But every relationship takes work, and effort, and every marriage is or better or for worse. It's easier to walk away when the going gets tough, but it's the true measure of a relationship if you can stick around.

Here we go again. This is what I won. This is the man that was mi vida, even tho apparently I'm not his.

He took money out of our wedding fund, and lied about doing it. He said his dad did. He confessed by leaving me an index card on my car. Four months before the wedding of my dreams, he left me a letter taped to the television calling off our wedding. He went for MIT training in Florida, and the night he got back, we talked about getting back together, and were even together (biblically). Two days later he told me he'd been seeing someone else, and actually picked her. He lied about paying bills, ranging from furniture to utility, and i never knew until I got phone calls or notices. He lied about talking to said girl over and over and over. Said he wasn't feeling good, and was just going home, and instead went out and got a DWI. Still lied about talking to said girl. Wrote down how much he loved her. Still lied about said girl. Finally we're supposed to be working things out and being together, and he never told anyone. I found her number in his phone when it shouldn't have been, and he lied and said she came into where he works and put it there. Actually found out that was a lie, cause he doesn't work Mondays. So he blamed said girl for his own cowardice. (Which he made me hate you, and for that I am sorry.) He's been teaching our son to lie. Found a brand new myspace he created to talk to said girl. The password for the account was the date they started hanging out. He said it wasn't what I thought, etc, etc. He said it was just a couple emails on myspace, and he was so sorry, and it was only a couple weeks. But i came to discover that he also created a brand new email address and had been talking to her for months, and made plans to hang out with her, and talked to her on the phone. So even when he was busted and caught, and trying to fix things and apologize, he still was lying. "Oh I don't turn my back on my friends." Really, cause I can think of a couple friends who really need you and i don't see you stalking them like this. "Oh when I say I love you to her its like when you say you love your friends." Really? Cause I didn't sleep with any of my friends. I didn't create brand new myspaces revolving soley around one of them. I'm not sneaking around and lying. But again, there was forgiveness. One last last last chance. "It'll never happen again, I'm done with her, she means nothing to me." So fine, we'll try to work this out. I actually thought that we did. I thought that this was a brand new start, and we were good. We got married. (His idea, not mine.) Then yesterday I discover that he's been using his dad's myspace account to talk to same said girl since January. In them he calls her mi vida (which, for those of you who don't know, means my life.) He says how much he misses her, and is thinking about her, and blah blah blah. Didn't tell her we got married might I add. And when I confront him? He says the same things over and over that he did all the other times he got caught. "I'm sorry. It'll never happen again. She means nothing to me. I love you." If she meant nothing to you, we wouldn't be going through this. If she means nothing to you, you wouldn't have to sneak around, you would be a man about it, and just say, she's my friend, deal with it. If she means nothing to you, you wouldn't go to such great lengths to hide what you say is just a friendship. If she means nothing to you, then why are you calling her my life??? "It's not what you think." Well, to those of you who read this, what would you think?? Prolly the same thing as me.

So here we are again. Right back where we started. For two years, he has been lying to me about everything. He even gets caught, and lies, and blames everyone and anyone he can so he doesn't look bad. He has never even told said girl why I dislike her, that it is all his fault. He says its my insecurities. So said girl thinks I'm crazy, and hates me because of him, like I think she won't leave him alone, because of him. (again, for that, I am sorry.)

I still hold the firm belief that you don't have to have sex to cheat. He is cheating. he is lying and sneaking, and getting sneakier (even tho not getting better at it.) He knew what would happen if I caught him lying again. And yet he risked it all, and for what? Oh, but he loves me. How? With half truths, and full fledged lies? By being a coward, not just to me, but to her? You love me by teaching an 8 year old to lie to his mother? You love me by constantly hurting me and disappointing me? You love me by breaking up our family? We took vows!

Its like we never went forward at all. We're still stuck in the same place that we've been in for two years. I am not his vida. I am second choice, or the because I'm here and she's not. I don't want to be a stand in. I'm tired of constantly busting him in all his lies, and hearing the same excuses over and over. I don't want to be sad anymore. And that's all he gives me. How many times should a person go thru this? He made me insecure. He made me hate someone for no reason. He made me question and doubt everything, and no one should live like that.

To this day I don't know how I managed to forgive him, or how we managed to get thru it. He really and truely has worked every day since then to make up for everything he did. He is beyond a doubt my best friend, and while no one is perfect, it strengthened us and our bond, and last week we celebrated our three year wedding anniversary!


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